so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
