dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
