ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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