I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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