After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
