Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
being pregnant is like rehab
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
