My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize