Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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