my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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