Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
