haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
