my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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