I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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