I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
organizing the empties. That sober.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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