Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize