Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
