I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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