the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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