I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
This is my gift to your gina
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
