rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
