All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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