Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
