she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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