fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
