At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Did I show you my penis last night?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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