I think I won the penis lottery.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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