Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
