i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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