he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
