I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Also, beer. Big fan.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
