Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
