would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
