It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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