Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
