Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
