OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
