Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
