That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
