OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
