it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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