I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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