I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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