i think my mom watched the whole time
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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