I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
