It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
