I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
