I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
That accounts for only three of the penises
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
