I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
