i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We are all done wearing pants today
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Randomize
