my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
