I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
