Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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