i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She announced her abortion via fbk
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
