Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
