The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
