Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
