OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
