My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
