Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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