Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
