I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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