and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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