Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
