Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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