Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
