I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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