im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize