you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
