Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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